Heavy heart

Maybe it is the full moon, maybe not. My heart is heavier today than it has been in a long time. It gets that way from time to time when heavy things happen so fast you don't have time to dump them. Two weeks ago a friend of mine died. I had stopped by his house to tell him and his wife my great news. Kevin and I are engaged. He would have loved to have heard that. I was very excited to tell him, he always asked me if Kevin had asked me yet. . .then he sort of did. . .that is another story for another time. . . When I arrived at their house- it was dark, the door was closed but not locked, the house was empty except for one thing was not missing that should have been missing if everything had been fine. . .the wheelchair. It had only been a short time before I had arrived that they took him to the hospital. There he died less then a week later. I attended his funeral. I was not at peace because I hadn't said what I needed to. I did not know if they were aware how much they mean to me. It was boldly obvious how they felt about me. I was recognized in writting in the funeral paper. (I have no idea what it is called). I was right there with all of the closest people. I was on there with family. I hope that I was as good to him as he was to me.

Last Saturday we nearly lost my nefew. No amount of love can keep a child safe at all times. Only by God's will was that child saved. While his life was being rescued by an angle of God, the rest of us were requesting God's presence inside. We had no idea what was happing outside, we did not hear the screams for help, we did not hear the baby crying, kicking water, gasping for air. .. we did not hear what was happening beyond the walls) we were reaching deep within ourselves deep in our hearts asking the Lord to be with my mom, to bring us a miracle. Could God bring a miracle that night, could he make my mom well again, could he keep her safe during her surgery, could he cure her, make her regain her muscles so that she could walk, get down on the floor and play with her grand children, go golfing with her husband, go shopping with her girls. . .do everything again. . .even laundry. There we all were, family and friends united, praying prayers of healing and asking for a miracle.

She never complains, she never says anything. . .she asks for a miracle, she believes in them. . .if we didn't before Saturday night, all of us that were there surly believe in them now. A limp lifeless body was dragged out of a pond, as soon as he was brought to shore he started coughing out the pond that had nearly killed him. Grandmother and grandson: two hearts, two spirits wound together so tight it is amazing. Both so tender, so pure- a grandmother who has raised three girls (who were openly admit they each posed their own unique challenges to their parents), and lived through other life challenges that might harden some people. . .not her, not my mom, nope. . . like water off a ducks back. You can't break her, you can't change her, she wears a very protective armor of Faith which in itself is proof that there is a God, a loving God. You can't know her and not believe it, when she tells her story, it changes people. It is like the purity of a childs heart. Carefree, unscared, fearless and resilient. That baby went home with a mother who loves him to pieces, he slept well- nobody else did. . .just the babies. A near death experience. . . like water off a ducks back.

Mom goes for surgery tomorrow. . .and I am having anxiety. She hardly mentions it, she doesn't seem to be nervous. Me I am crying like a baby here. I am nervous, how will she be treated, how will the surgery go, how much pain will she have, will she really heal in a week. What happens if they send her home and she isn't healed, we aren't ready for that.

I feel selfish, looking back at all of the preparation I could have done just in case- for mom and dad. The visits to friends, the words that need to be spoken, the unfinished business that never gets really finished. The baby I could spend more time with, could have stolen a few more hugs, paid more attention to.

Tonight my heart is heavy. I am glad that I can have a heavy heart. I have people to love and people who love me. Sometimes we have to carry a heavy heart, but only for a short time.