My emotional dumping ground

No more please!

Today I went down to say good bye to my grandpa. Death is very strange to me. I have been preparing myself for my grandpa to die for a long time. The last few years have not been his best. My grandpa and I were never close, but there is a bond- a natural bond between grandparents and their grandchildren. All my life I loved and respected my grandparents. When my grandma died I was in 6th grade. It was really hard for me. For years I thought I had killed her. I remembered praying to God that if he could not make her better, please let her die and go to heaven. She did. Years later I realized I hadn't killed her, I hadn't been the only one saying that same prayer. I didn't kill her. . . I loved her and I didn't like seeing her suffer.

Today I said the same prayer for my grandpa. As an adult it was easy to say the prayer because my faith is stronger. My understanding of death and suffering is not good. I had been told what my grandpas condition was- well in a very Thorland sort of way- I was told. I got the jist of it, and I was ready for it. He was in so much pain, what could we do? What could anyone do? Can we do anything? Do we just sit here and do nothing? So we talked to him and prayed for him and filled the room up with people who love him. The doctor and nurses were very calm and kind and luckily they knew the drill. They were honest, helpful and caring. The hospice house was really a nice place. I told him that I love him, that I appreciate all that he has given me and taught me. That he has brought a great group of people into this world. He asked that we teach our boys to pray and I told him we would. I told him that I hope I make him proud. I said good bye to my grandpa tonight and I walked away. I spent the day looking at him, watching him struggle. I could not help him. It was time for me to leave, so I walked away. It was not easy to walk away.

As I crossed over the bridge and entered Wanamingo, my grandpa crossed over from his life here on earth and entered his home in heaven. I know he is well again and he will be home with his mom and dad, his first wife and their first three babies, his brother and numbers of others who have meant so much to him and our family who have gone before us. What brings us such sorrow here on earth brings such a celebration for his home coming in heaven. Congratulations grandpa, you are home. We will surely miss you until we meet again. We Love you.